This week I turned 36 so as a present to everyone that reads my blog I thought I would write some words of *coughs* wisdom…if I was a nicer blogger I would hold a nifty competition for you to win a luxury holiday somewhere exotic or some fancy lipsticks…but knowing myself too well, I know I wouldn’t share the prizes and keep them for myself hence you’re getting a blog post instead. So I’m going to let you into the big secrets about your thirties with 30 things that they don’t tell you about your thirties…hold onto your britches as you’re in for a treat!
^^That’s me a few hours after officially turning 36 New Zealand time…no make up…my eyebrows needing a bloody good prune and a half…and a whole lot of giggle lines…36 years of life scars that I’m happy to own.
Beauty
1. No amount of expensive face creams are really going to help your saggy skin or firm up your boobies…apply as much as you want but as they say in most of those advertisements…60% of the 70 women tested saw results…because they need to go to specsavers! Genetics play a huge part when it comes to your skin (thanks dad for my huge pores which I can park a double decker bus in…I still love you and you’re the best daddy a girl could ask for!) and lifestyle…if you are going to part with your money then visit Boots and buy their Protect and Perfect range…read why here…psst it’s not a daily mail article.
2. A fringe will become your best friend in your thirties…it hides your forehead wrinkles…best invention ever and no botox required plus if you have a long fringe well you don’t have to worry much about plucking those bloody eyebrows (I forgot to brush my fringe forward in that photo…oops!)
3. Mum told me that it was too early to start dying my hair all one colour when I found a number of grey hairs…if you’re a brunette go for lowlights which don’t cause hideous regrowth unlike highlights…a good hairdresser** will be more than happy to cover up those pesky greys with lowlights…they’re more rich caramels and browns and a lot less hassle to look after. (**which are like bloody gold dust…and when I find one, I normally ask if they’re in a relationship, getting married or thinking about having children at any point in the near future…I need time to prep myself before going hairdresser hunting again…I’m still trying to find a hair dresser going through menopause but they can be scary especially when holding scissors).
4. Everyone in their twenties talks about owning cats…why I’m not sure…you don’t need to get a cat as when you hit your thirties you will start to grow your own set of whiskers (and hair will pop out of places you never thought it would)...I’ve attached a purring tutorial I found on youtube so you can get totally into the cat character.
Fashion
5. You will own a lot of dresses in your thirties…for one reason only…it’s easy…one garment to chuck on in the morning, meaning you get an extra 3 minutes in bed and you don’t have to fret about colour co-ordinating…maxi dresses are amazing for two reasons – you don’t have to wear tights and you can get away without shaving your legs.
6. The fashion police don’t stop you buying ripped jeans in your thirties…just remember to shave the exposed piece of flesh prior to tugging on those jeans…I shave only my knee when I’m wearing my ripped jeans…a secret I shared with the boys in the office a few weeks ago which I think they’re still horrified about…I scare them a lot (you over share a lot more in your thirties).
7. Pretty flat shoes become your crack…they’re easier to walk in when you hit thirty, especially after all the damage you’ve done to your ankles and feet in your twenties from wearing heels…apparently I’ve got a number of unhealed breaks in my right foot.
8. If you do need to wear heels then opt for a wedged heel as if there is alcohol involved these will give you more stability than spiky come f*** me heels…not as sexy but at least you won’t break your pretty neck.
9. You will realise that Marks and Spencer have the most comfortable undies around…you won’t worry about VPL’s in your thirties…and if you do, well you just won’t wear knickers…VPL problem sorted!
10. When it comes to jeans shopping…if you find the perfect pair then for goodness sake buy at least three pairs…then a size on either side incase of weight gain / loss…if you don’t find a perfect pair of jeans…it’s perfectly acceptable to cry in the changing room and pull out the emergency slice of cake you have in your handbag while pondering what happened to your toned twenty something bottom.
Travel
11. Just in case you were worried…airlines do allow 30+ year old adults to fly unaccompanied…now don’t be shocked but you will probably travel just as much in your thirties as you did in your twenties.
12. Contrary to opinion you won’t be provided with a zimmer frame when you hit 30 either so you don’t need to panic and write a 30 before 30 list…my folks visited more than 30 countries in their fifties…your life isn’t over when you hit thirty.
13. You will still over pack in your thirties just like you did in your twenties…and you will find it perfectly acceptable to take 15 pairs of knickers away with you on your 2 night city break holiday…and you will still panic on the plane thinking you haven’t packed enough.
Sex
14. They say ladies hit their sexual peak in their thirties…after numerous chats with ladies in their thirties and older, I can confirm there are no additional huge firework displays going on or unicorns prancing around the bed farting rose petals when you have an orgasm in your thirties…and no your hair won’t go curly from having orgasms in your thirties either.
15. Another thing about sex…those frisky positions start to hurt a bit more when you get into your thirties…you will probably moan more with pain at times due to cramp than with pleasure. I’m sure you’re all looking forward to having sex in your thirties now right!?
Health
16. You will start popping pills like nobodies business and your pockets start rattling with pills rather than loose change…you could start your own pharmacy when you get into your thirties.
17. You will get fat…skippng breakfast for a week like you did in your twenties to drop a dress size won’t cut the mustard in your thirties…apparently you really do need to control your diet and *coughs* exercise…walking in heels between bars doesn’t count towards exercise in your thirties…I’ve tried.
18. Suddenly you realise that your body isn’t as great as it used to be…I became a tena lady a few days before turning 36…a lovely side effect from my new medication (and hopefully a short lived one!)…I laugh too much when I’m at work (one of the ladies at work started her story with, I was running on the treadmill thinking about these river island boots…we get on quite well for some reason)...and I laughed and thought oh my goodness…you will start googling things like vagina weight lifting while at work. Your body is full of little surprises…it’s easier to laugh than cry.
19. You will look into the latest diets, mainly to see how easy it would be to cheat…our office conversation last week centred around the three orgasms a day diet which apparently aids weight loss…the general consensus with a number of ladies (all 30+) was the same…who on hell has time for three orgasms in a day…answer: youngsters in their twenties!
20. Those scientific studies they carried out on handbags giving ladies neck and back pain…they were right and you will spend a lot of money in your thirties getting massages to try and alleviate the pain…while still carrying around the kitchen sink in your very expensive handbag…you might as well suffer in luxury.
Food & Alcohol
21. Toast becomes a food group entirely by itself in your thirties…it can be sweet or savoury and is just the right amount of stodge when you require comfort food.
22. When you enter your thirties, it’s not the hangover that you should be worried about…it’s staying up long after your bed time…you will pay the price for that rather than the booze.
23. Eating food in bed is allowed in your thirties…any crumbs left in the sheets act as a exfoliant…multitasking in your sleep and it means you can stay in bed for an extra three minutes.
Life in General
24. Apparently people in their thirties get all worried about sharing their age….I don’t…I’m 36…embrace your age and all your experiences…maybe it’s the accountant in me…it’s just a number however many folks will worry the whole way through their thirties and beyond from some reason.
25. You will roll your eyes at people in their twenties when you hit your thirties…and think to yourself…I wasn’t that bad…truly you were (I was)…trust me you will roll your eyes all the time and constantly voice inside your head “are you f***ing joking me”, especially when twenty somethings deem it okay to look like a porn star in public…seriously I don’t want to see your lunch box…you’re not Sharon Stone ladies…put the fanny and boobies away…you will understand more about this when you hit your thirties and this isn’t jealously speaking…I’m no longer worried about swine flu, it’s the fanny flu epidemic that will prove deadly…don’t let your fanny catch a chill ladies!
26. Lady Violet said “I don’t dislike him, I just don’t like him. Which is quite different.” There’s no point in trying to like everyone…spend time with the people that you love…you will never get the time back that you spent with people that you didn’t like.
27. The fear of missing out seems to be a new generational feeling…I’m sure our folks didn’t suffer from this…when you hit your thirties, you do get a bit more relaxed and less worried that you’re missing out on something…why flit around town trying to see 10 people when you could just enjoy a lazy day with two…the lazy days with friends you trust and admire are the best days. You will get over FOMO.
28. I would love to say that you will learn not to give a shit when you hit your thirties especially when it comes to what people think of you…some people do and others continue to fret.
29. There’s a difference between competition and ambition…you will learn the difference in your thirties…in your twenties…well you still have your life training wheels on…the two are easily muddled and you will hurt people on the way up. Trust me, crapping on people on the way up…they won’t catch you when you fall.
30. You realise those people that spout off that the thirties are the new twenties are the folks that fear the thirties the most…the thirties aren’t the new twenties…THEY ARE YOUR THIRTIES! Enjoy them…you’ve finally got your training wheels off and it’s still going to be a wobbly at times but that’s life.
And just to prove that you can still act like a child in your thirties…here’s me…slightly blurry…jumping on the hotel bed at 36!
If you managed to get to the end of this post then you deserve a gold star!
xx
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