Around the World in 80 Pairs of Shoes


May 17, 2013

Travelling with PMS

Oh yes, you’ve read that title right – Travelling with PMS.  Yip I have crossed the line but as I have told my HR department in the past; I’m a Kiwi so that line doesn’t really exist!  I’m like a bull in a china shop, so folks are you ready for the talk?

It all starts with “The Look”

Travelling with PMS to a foreign land can cause a number of issues especially if you don’t speak the lingo.  “The Look” is universal and consists of the following – the deathly stare, the flaring nostrils and the pursed lips – never approach a women to sell a carpet / fake Mulberry handbag / (insert any other souvenir I don’t want right here) as if the nostrils flare any more then you will be handed a shovel and forced to dig your own grave at my feet for yourself and that dodgy souvenir.  “The Look” stops most people in their tracks and can make grown men drop to the ground and beg for mercy.

Boarding a flight

When the airline calls the passengers to board the plane and asks for business class and their frequent flyers; DO NOT stand in my freaking way!  Do you hear me!  Stand aside otherwise I will use those elbows that God gave me and I will issue “The Look”.

Disembarking a flight

Please see above but in reverse – business gets off first people; they are at the front of the plane.  You will be issued with “The Look” if you start to push to the front and I will put up my wings i.e. the elbows and you won’t be able to get past.

80 pairs of shoes up in the air with british airways lhr to athens aerial view of heathrow

Pick the right holiday

PMS causes those things we call boobies to look they they are going to explode and feel like you need a wheel barrow to carry them around in and don’t even get me started on the tummy bloating.  Finding a holiday where it’s acceptable to walk around either 1/ topless or 2/ in your bra and knickers and still take in the sights can be difficult.

Crocs are a croc of …

Crocs are never acceptable even when you are travelling with PMS.  Enough said!

Buying Shoes

Yes its completely reasonable to buy a pair of shoes that are either a size too small or too big and that you are never going to wear; hell go and buy them in every colour, you’ve got PMS.  Shoes purchased on holiday never count towards your yearly shoe allowance – what goes on tour stays on tour girls!

80 pairs of shoes amsterdam its all about the clogs

You’ve got nothing to wear

Trying to pack a bag when you are suffering from PMS is very very dangerous.  You will most likely pack summer clothes when you are heading off to a country that’s in the middle of their darkest deepest winter.  Why; you know all about baby brain, well say hello to PMS brain – the brain officially overheats and steam will come out of your ears while you try to think of a colour palate for your stylish break away and looking at the Yahoo weather app on your phone.  Just remember to take the credit card and you will be okay!

Choose your restaurant wisely

Make sure you find a nice restaurant where you can eat your dinner with your hands i.e. no knives or forks are provided – that way you don’t risk using your cutlery as a weapon after your travelling companion has over stepped the mark or when they refuse to apologise even though “The Look” has been issued.

Breakfast is included

Honestly you will have such a raging hunger that it’s key that you book a hotel that comes with a free breakfast.  You will graze like you have never grazed before and hell pinch as much food as you can fit into your handbag before you leave.  If the staff give you a strange look and whisper then it’s totally acceptable to issue “The Look”

80 pairs of shoes berlin germany luxury hotel intercontinental gluten free breakfast

Choose your travelling companion carefully 

Honestly, guys have totally no clue when it comes to PMS however travelling with a lady that utters those words “I’ve never suffered from PMS” makes me want to stab her.  Please see above note about restaurants.

Embrace the tears

Yes you will cry, over the silliest of things.  Like you can’t find a Pinky Bar (insert your favourite sweets) as 1/ they are only sold in your home country and 2/ you are on holiday on the other side of the world.  The tears will flow and only that one item will stop the river that is now flowing; if your travel companion provides another sweet as a substitute then we will eat it without sharing and then get the guilts over eating it.  And that will start another wave of tears; the guilt tears.  It’s a vicious cycle!

Needless to say, doing this just as you have passed through security does get the men bearing the machine guns slightly on edge and they start to stare (yes I have had an incident at Luxembourg Airport when all I wanted was a gluten free savoury item and all they had was a greek salad; I’m intolerant to Onions and I hate cucumbers and olives and I cried big style – airports and gluten free don’t mix well!)

There is only one flavour and it’s Selfish Flavoured

I had never heard of selfish flavoured food until I met my other half.  It’s where you don’t share your food item; if you are travelling with a lady suffering from PMS always offer to share that food item otherwise get ready to receive “The Look”.  Please note we will not share our own food with you though, we’ve got PMS so don’t even think about asking for a bite.

If you have read this post and have no idea what the hell PMS feels like then let me break it down for you – it’s like receiving the Dementor’s Kiss.  You feel like you are just existing and you feel so out of sorts that not even a bag of Liquorice All Sorts will sort you out (and yes I know they contain gluten).

So come on and share your tips and experiences folks.

As they say sharing is caring and I’m a big Care Bear.


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